


I Wanna Be Me

by Marvels_Bitch



Category: The Young Ones (TV 1982)
Genre: Gay, M/M, Other, Trans Character, rick wants to be a girl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-23
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-08 18:08:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3218495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvels_Bitch/pseuds/Marvels_Bitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dreams are meant to show what the heart longs for. Ricks longs to be himself. Rick longs to be a woman, he doesn't wish to hide his transgender feelings anymore but he has too. he also longs for a certain ginger haired punk who lives in the next room.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Silly Thing

 

_A flash of blue, the feeling of metal on skin…_

_The smell of bed sheets nearly a year and a half unwashed…_

_Teeth on skin, biting…_

_Hands grabbing at clothes..._

_Breaths escaping lips..._

_Small whisper…_

 

**“NEIL!”**

 

_Moans escaping lips…_

**“NEIL!!!!”**

_A tingling forming in the bottom of his stomach…_

**“NEIL WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS MY BREAKFAST!!”**

Rick woke up sweating heavily as he was awoken by the sound of Vyvyan yelling at Neil. He rubbed his eyes as he let out a yawn, stretching as he did so. He looked down at where the sheets had pooled in his lap and sighed. _Gweat_. Rick thought as he put on his dressing gown, looking both ways as he crossed the hall to the bathroom.

\-------------

After Rick had taken care of business in the bathroom he went downstairs to see that everyone was halfway through their breakfast. “Good morning evewybody!” Rick said in his usual cheery tone not making eye contact with Vyvyan. In reply he received a grunt from Vyvyan, a hello from Mike and Neil drooled… _Vyvyan must have knocked him out._ Rick thought. Neil was lying on the floor completely out of it. “Oh come on Neil, stop lying around! Theres work to be done you know!” Rick yelled. Neil didn’t stir though.  Rick sighed and walked over to Neil, giving him a kick on the way past to his bowl of what looked like porridge but had the texture of glue.

As soon as Vyvyan had finished his breakfast he was out of the front door. “Well that was weird…” Rick said as he looked at the front door. “He didn’t say a word. Didn’t even call me a poof as he passed…” rick turned his gaze to mike. Mike shook his head, “he might have something on his mind, I think it best we leave him alone.” Rick nodded.

\----------------

When Rick finished his breakfast he went back up to his room, locked the door and leant against it. He breathed a few times before walking over to his wardrobe and pulling out a short blue cocktail dress. He held it against his frame and looked in his mirror. He began taking his dressing gown off and his pyjamas. Then he removed his underwear and stood completely naked in the mirror. He sighed again and tucked his manhood between his legs so there was no evidence of male organs. He then picked up a singlet that Vyvyan had cut in half to annoy Rick a few weeks ago. It now only covered his nipples. He placed a rolled up sock in the singlet over each nipple. His chest now resembling a set of breasts. He looked in the mirror as for the first time in what seemed like a very long time, he smiled. He ran a hand down his stomach and down to the now smooth surface that was his manhood. He picked up the dress and placed it on top of everything else he was wearing. “I really need to grow my hair out…” he whispered as he flattened the creases of the dress. He picked up his plum lipstick and lined his eyes with a black eye pencil. He brushed some blush on his cheeks and sprayed a flowery perfume on himself. He grinned into the mirror and blushed slightly at the sight of himself. He was beautiful.  He walked over to his table about to put a record in his record player when he noticed it was gone. “VYVYAN!”

\---------------

Rick stayed in his bedroom all day wearing his dress. He would never admit it to the guys, especially Vyvyan as he would call him a poof or something worse, but the only time he felt truly happy, truly comfortable was when he was wearing his dress and there was no trace of Rick. He was only comfortable when he appeared as a girl. He was jealous of the fact that the guys could so openly show who they are, where as rick had to keep his personality a secret. It was him, the dresses, the perfume, cosmo, make up, and yet he couldn’t show it. Couldn’t let on that he was different. He felt wrong as Rick and right as someone completely different to what and who he was born as.

 

 It was getting late so Rick got himself ready for bed. He was about to switch off the light when there was a rather load banging at the door. “Who is it? What do you want?” Rick shouted. Instead of an answer, a very pissed off Vyvyan broke through the door. “Do you mind!!???! I would vewy much apwiciate it if you didn’t break my door down!!!” Vyvyan looked Rick up and down. Rick blushed and looked away from the older boy. Vyvyan snickered and punched Rick in the face before taking Ricks pillow. Rick stood up holding his nose, “what the ruddy hell do you want that for!” he yelled as he followed Vyvyan out of the room. **“SPG ate his pillow that he uses for a bed and he needs a new one!**!” Vyvyan yelled.

“Well maybe if you fed him you wouldn’t have to steal other peoples pillows!” Rick snatched the pillow out of Vyvyans hand and was about to walk away when he was grabbed by Vyvyan and pulled right up to his face. They stared into each other’s eyes for a few moments before Vyvyan pushed Rick back and turned away without Ricks pillow. “ **Fine I’ll take Neil’s! Yours smells too much like girl anyway!!SPG wouldn’t be able to sleep on it!”** Vyvyan yelled as he slammed his bedroom door after grabbing Neils pillow.

Rick furrowed his brow as he thought about what just happened. _He never just backs off from a fight._ “weird.” He whispered as he returned to his room. he stared at the door Vyvyan had ruined and grumbled as he fetched some wood from Neil’s door and boarded his room up from the inside so no one could enter. He made sure all of his makeup, perfume and girly clothes were hidden away before laying in bed.

Rick stared up at the ceiling thinking about everything that had happened today and as he closed his eyes he started to dream. He then dreamed of the blue eyes again… the ones he had encountered when taking his pillow back from the ginger punk.

_The punk’s hands were trailing down ricks body and he gasped as he stopped the punks hands from going further. ”Please Vyv, I don’t want you to see what I don’t want to be.” He whispered. Vyvyan nodded and kissed the self proclaimed anarchist. It was passionate and violent at the same time, not what rick was expecting. He was expecting pain and blood, although there was a little pain there was also a passionate tenderness. Vyvyans hand trailed down again and Rick was too busy kissing Vyvyan to notice that he didn’t have a knob. Vyvyan smirked, “I always knew you were a girl…”_


	2. Silly Thing Part 2 - Vyvyan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yesterdays chapter from Vyvyans point of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, just letting you know that these chapters still need to be edited properly. i hope you enjoy and I'd love to hear feedback ^_^

Vyvyan woke up in a very very bad mood. He didn’t know why, all he knew was that he was hungry and pissed off. He threw his blankets off the bed and discovered that he hadn’t gotten changed last night for bed. He growled and nearly ripped his door of the hinged by the amount of force that he used to open it. He stomped down the stairs and couldn’t see Neil. This pissed him off even more if that was possible.

 **“NEIL!”** Vyvyan yelled as he stormed around the kitchen and living room.

“ **NEIL!”** Vyvyan was breathing heavily now.

“Oh hey Vyv.” Neil appeared from outside coming into the kitchen.

 **“NEIL WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS MY BREAKFAST!!”** Vyvyan yelled losing his patience. Neil’s eyes widened slightly and he quickly started pouring lentils that were sitting on the stove into separate bowls. “Here you go Vyv.” Neil said as he placed the bowl down in front of Vyvyan and set the others down. Vyvyan grumbled and sat down, picking up his spoon. He then started to dig in. “You know that if the lentils are on the side you can help yourself right, I’m not here to be a butler tending to your every need.” Neil said standing next to Vyvyan. Vyvyan placed his spoon down and stared at Neil. “You have until the count of three.” Vyvyan said calmly. Neil was about to ask what his was about when Vyvyan said, “ **THREE!”** Vyvyan picked up a nearby bowl and threw it at Neil’s head, knocking him out cold. “Be gentle Vyv, hes our only cook.” Mike appeared in his chair reading the paper. Vyvyan just muttered something about ‘neil getting breakfast ready sooner when he knew he had a lecture.’ “Good morning evewybody!” Rick said in his usual cheery tone as he entered the room, good lord it made Vyvyan want to punch him. He grunted in response to Rick. “Oh come on Neil, stop lying around! There’s work to be done you know!” Rick yelled. Vyvyan smirked a little at the kick Rick gave Neil and finished his breakfast. As soon as he finished his breakfast he was out of the door and heading towards the college.

 

 -----------------------------

Vyvyan’s first stop was the college bathroom. When inside, he flattened his trihawk so a fringe covered his studs. He removed his nose ring and rolled his jeans down. He then removed his denim jacket and hid it in the toilet stall at the end.  Happy with his somewhat normal looking appearance he headed to the medical area for his lecture.

He greeted his class mates and sat in this usual spot. As the lecturer spoke on and on about different muscles of the body Vyvyan’s mind wondered to this morning. Rick wouldn’t even look at him… _probably just acting poofy._ Vyvyan thought. With all of his notes copied down - thanks to the girl he sits next to having spare pens and paper – he walked back to the bathroom to find someone holding his ‘Very Metal’ jacket. “ **WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING WITH THAT?”** Vyvyan yelled at the boy. The boy who was much smaller than Vyvyan jumped back in shock and started stuttering. “I-I f-f-f-found this in the t-t-toilet cubicle.” He said backing away. “ **YEAH? WELL THAT’S MINE SO HAND IT OVER PLOPPY PANTS**.” He said motioning to the boys wet patch on his trousers. The boy dropped the jacket and ran, but as he got to Vyvyan, Vyvyan stuck his arm out and pinned him flat on his back. “ **TELL ANYONE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY AND ILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. ALRIGHT PLOPPY**?” the boy nodded fiercely. Vyvyan let him go and the boy ran out of the door. He sighed and stood up to look in the mirror.

In his hand he held his jacket and he couldn’t help but think that with the jacket he also held what everyone thought of him as… a punk who likes to destroy things, which he did like destroying them, but a part of him wanted to fix things. That’s why he was doing this course. If he went to his course dressed as a punk however, he wouldn’t make it through the door without being stopped. As much as he wanted to be himself at college, he didn’t want to risk his future. This just made Vyvyan even more pissed off, if that was possible and he punched the wall beside the mirror. With his head racing he started to walk home.

 

 ----------------------

 

Vyvyan burst into his room and nearly yelled at the top of his lungs when he saw that SPG had eaten – or attempted to eat – his pillow! There were feathers everywhere. Vyvyan was breathing heavily and he decided to bang on Rick’s door. “Who is it? What do you want?” Rick shouted. Vyvyan was in no mood to deal with Rick going on about whatever poofy thing he was going to talk about so he burst through the door.

“Do you mind!!???! I would vewy much apwiciate it if you didn’t break my door down!!!” Vyvyan looked Rick up and down, looking for the best place to hit the younger man. Rick blushed and looked away from the older boy. Vyvyan snickered, not really paying attention and punched Rick in the face before taking Ricks pillow. Rick stood up holding his nose which looked like it could be broken, _I’ll take a look at that later_ , “what the ruddy hell do you want that for!” he yelled as he followed Vyvyan out of the room. **“SPG ate his pillow that he uses for a bed and he needs a new one!**!” Vyvyan yelled.

“Well maybe if you fed him you wouldn’t have to steal other peoples pillows!” Rick suddenly snatched the pillow out of Vyvyans hand and was about to walk away when Vyvyan grabbed rick and pulled him close so they were both at eye level to each other,  Vyvyan leaned right up to his Ricks face. They stared into each other’s eyes for a few moments. Vyvyan was so entranced by Ricks eyes, he’d never realised how nice they were until now. Vyvyan pushed Rick back and turned away without Rick’s pillow. “ **Fine I’ll take Neil’s! Yours smells too much like girl anyway!!SPG wouldn’t be able to sleep on it!”** Vyvyan yelled as he slammed his bedroom door after grabbing Neil’s pillow.

When his door was closed he let out a breath and sank to the floor. The day’s events finally catching up to him. He stood up and made SPG comfortable before going into his own bed. As his eyes closed he thought of the entrancing eyes that belonged to the self proclaimed anarchist next door.


	3. No Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick wakes up with a feeling of false hope after one of the most perfect dreams.

Rick woke up sweating and breathing heavily. Once he caught his breath he remembered his dream… _‘I always knew you were a girl…’_ He smiled and looked down. He pushed his sheets back and pulled up his trousers waistband to look down his pants. The smile soon fell from his face as he was reminded of how cruel reality can be. As he stared at his manhood he couldn’t help the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. He felt disgusting. He thought that Mother Nature, whoever the fascist was, was playing a horrible joke on him by making him feel like a freak. How can someone who appears to be a man want to be a girl? More importantly who will they be accepted by?  He certainly wouldn’t be accepted by his house mates, and what would mummy and daddy say? Rick shook his head and placed his waistband back down.  a tear rolled down Ricks cheek and he couldn’t help but release a quiet sob. His hands rubbed his eyes as he rolled onto his side and hugged his chest. Rick then shot up out of bed and started furiously pulling off his night clothes. He pulled out a simple white dress and just held it in his hands while standing completely naked in his room. He fell on to the floor, landing on his knees, clutching the dress to his chest. _Why can’t I be this? What I hold in my hands! Why? Please someone tell me why?_ Rick mentally pleaded. He let out a sob louder than he intended and hoped no one heard him. “Why…?” Rick whispered, still crying. “Why do I have to be like this? Why..? Who decided that I have to suffer through this every day?! Please…” he continued to plead. “Please.” He said a little louder.

There was a bang next door coming from Vyvyan’s room. Rick suddenly stood up, pulling any clothes that he could onto his body. He rubbed the tears from his eyes and waited for anymore sounds. Minutes went by before he heard a door open and slam shut and footsteps head downstairs. Rick let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and looked at the crumpled dress on the floor. He bit his bottom lip and picked up the dress slowly. He held it in his hands for a long period of time before hanging it up properly and hiding it in his wardrobe. Rick then went to the bathroom to remove any evidence off of his face that showed he had been crying.

 

When Rick came down for breakfast he was still quite upset so he didn’t greet the group as he usually would. He sat down at his place of the table and began to eat but the lump at the back of his throat made him lose his appetite. He pushed the bowl forward and placed his face in his hands, rubbing it a little. “Are you alright Rick?” Mike asked from the head of the table, not looking up from his paper.  Rick pulled his hands away from his face and put on a fake huge grin. Rick snorted and said, “Yes I’m alright, it’s just Neil’s lentils get worse evewyday! How am I meant to eat something that is so solid and sticky it sticks halfway down your throat!” he snorted again. Neil was about to protest when someone else spoke.  “He’s got a point Neil. Last year this was somewhat edible and now it looks like it wants to eat us!” Vyvyan stated, sliding his breakfast forward. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say that you’ve been feeding us the same lentils for two years and all you’ve been doing is topping up the bowl!” Rick said with a slight laugh and Vyvyan joined in. “Well maybe that’s because I have. I do all the work in this house and does anyone every appreciate it? No. It’s always Neil do this, Neil do that and do I get a thank you? No I don’t –“

“Neil do us all a favour…” Vyvyan started. “Oh what is it now?” Neil said sarcastically. At the same time Rick and Vyvyan said, “Kill yourself.” Rick stared slightly wide eyed at Vyvyan and Vyvyan furrowed his brow. “Good Rick, it looks like you’re learning.” Vyvyan said before standing up. Vyvyan walked over to Neil and broke his chair over Neil’s head before going into the lounge to watch ‘Bastard Squad.’

Mike put down his paper and looked at Rick, “I wouldn’t learn too much from Vyvyan if I were you, I mean just look at him. You wouldn’t want to become that.” _No I don’t want to become that, I want to become something else entirely._ Rick thought.  Vyvyan raised his hand and flicked mike the V’s before going back to watching television. Rick just shook his head.

 

Not long after breakfast Rick joined Vyvyan watching television. Mike had gone to his room and Neil had gone to the shops. Rick and Vyvyan sat in a comfortable silence until Vyvyan shifted slightly and his shoulder nudged Ricks. Rick tensed slightly and his cheeks became slightly heated as he kept his gaze away from Vyvyan. Vyvyan turned his gaze to look at Rick and asked, “Who were you talking to this morning? I could swear I heard you talking.” Ricks breathing caught in his throat and he let out a forced laugh. “You must have been imagining things. Either that or I was asleep.” Vyvyan nodded and turned back to the television. It took a long time for Rick to become comfortable again. He then realised that the punk wasn’t wearing his nose piercing. “Vyvyan… where’s your nose ring?” Rick asked curiously. A flash of emotions crossed the older boys face before he stated. “I struggled sleeping so I took it out so that I could sleep on my face.” Rick said a quiet, “oh.” Throughout the day the boys watched television and when the BBC ended at three o’clock for a couple of hours, they got into small mindless fights where Vyvyan would beat up Rick and Rick wouldn’t put up much of a fight. Rick was thankful for this as it took his mind off of what happened this morning.

 

When Rick started feeling tired he walked to his room to find Vyvyan was sitting on Rick’s bed with a very confused look on his face. “Vyvyan…” Rick said surprised. “What are you doing in here?” Rick was now getting very worried as Vyvyan raised his eyes meeting ricks. “Why were you crying this morning? And don’t say that I imagined it because I know I heard you.” Vyvyan said very seriously. This shocked and scared Rick as Vyvyan wore a blank expression on his face. If Rick told him would Vyvyan scream ‘Poof’ and tell the guys? Why does Vyvyan even care? “Why do you even care?”  Rick said with a look that said ‘I’m waiting’. Vyvyan shrugged. “I was just curious that’s all. I couldn’t care less what’s going on in that girly mind of yours!” He said. Ricks nostrils flared as Vyvyan said ‘girly’. “Well it was just a bad dream okay? Now will you please leave?” Rick said rather quickly. Vyvyan stood and made his way to his own room. Rick sighed and followed him, jumping into the room before the door was slammed.

“ **WHAT DO YOU WANT**?!” Vyvyan said loudly. Rick jumped. “I came to apologise for the tone of voice I used. Sorry.” Rick lowered his eyes and was about to leave when an arm stopped him. Rick was about to say something when he found that two hands were on either side of his face, holding him still. Rick looked up into vyvyans eyes, much like he did yesterday on the staircase and felt a shiver run down his spine. Vyvyan growled slightly and let Rick go. The self proclaimed anarchist ran quickly to his room and remembered he needed to re-board up his room. he boarded it up quickly and stared into nothingness. He then noticed that Ricks blue cocktail dress, which last he checked was in the wardrobe, was on the bed next to where Vyvyan was sitting earlier.


	4. No Fun Part 2 - Rick Continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys ^_^ the next chapter should be longer

The dress was on the bed… His blue cocktail dress was on the bed. Rick started to panic. His breath was coming out loudly as he picked it up. He looked over to his wardrobe to find it open and all of his male clothes were pushed to one side of it, His white dress clearly showing. Ricks lips trembled at the thoughts that were going through his mind. _Did Vyvyan see it? Is he going to tell the guys? Does he think I’m a poof now? What if he calls mummy and daddy? Will they disown me? They cant disown me im their son!_ Rick moved quickly to his draws and found that the lock had been broken off and his plum lipstick was resting on top when he specifically remembered putting it away. _Vyvyan was snooping! He definitely saw!!_  “Please, please no no no!!” Rick said as he ran around his room putting everything away. His breathing was leaving his lips too quickly now and he was on the verge of a panic attack. All of his anxietes and fears were finding their way to his line of thought and tears were forming in his eyes. He couldn’t stay still. “oh god.” He whispered and a strained sound was coming out of his throat.

 

There was a banging at the door. Rick didn’t hear it as his ears blocked up as he kept panicking and worrying. _Vyvyan will think I’m girly! A freak! He’ll… He’ll tell… He’ll tell!_ He kept telling himself mentally.

The knocking became louder. “ **RICK!?”** Vyvyan was knocking at the door. Mike and Neil’s voices soon followed as they all started banging.

Rick couldn’t breathe, he felt suffocated and he fell onto the floor. Trying to breathe but the air wouldn’t reach his lungs. There was a snapping sound at the door and with that Rick passed out.

\----

_There were giggles…_

_Rick recognised them. They sounded like his own yet more feminine. There was also a very loud over powering laugh._

_Rick recognised that too._

_There was stroking feeling on his cheek. Those blue piercing eyes that spoke inflicting pain and belonging at the same time._

_The taste of alcohol on his breath._

_The smell of sweat and year old Chinese food…… Wait. Year old Chinese food?_

Ricks eyes opened quickly and he sat up. His head pounded as he looked around. He was in the living room. He sighed and furrowed his brow, wondering how he got down here. “Rick!” Rick heard Neil say. Next thing he knew was that he was surrounded by all three of his housemates. “Are you alright Rick?” Mike said concerned. Rick frowned a little at the throbbing that was occurring at the side of his head and nodded. “What happened Rick?” Neil asked. Rick froze and tried to think of an excuse. “Umm…. Well, you see… I thought I lost my favourite Cliff Richard LP and started to panic. I must have had a panic attack!” Rick said laughing weakly. Neil and Mike nodded while Vyvyan just stared at Rick. “Well it’s a good thing Vyvyan heard you freaking out.” Mike stated as he patted Rick on the back and walked to the kitchen. Neil nodded as Mike walked away and followed him.

Rick bit his lip. He was now left alone with Vyvyan. There was an awkward pause before Rick stood up and said, “Well thank you Vyvyan, I should really be getting to bed now. Nighty night.” Vyvyan stopped him from moving by putting a hand on his shoulder. Vyvyan started pushing Rick up the stairs and pushed him inside his room. Rick started to panic again. _I’m in Vyvyan’s room… Why did he bring me here? Probably to smash my face in for being poofy!_ Panic was clear on Ricks face and Vyvyan noticed this. “Calm down snotface.” He spoke clearly and firm. Rick sniffed and stood stock still. Vyvyan walked over to him with what looked to be a small medical kit. “Hold still.” Vyvyan said emotionlessly. Rick flicked his eyes down to the floor- well what he could see of it- and bit his lip. There was a wet cotton ball pressed to his head and he winced at the pain. “You hit your head as you fell, split the skin open, it looks pretty cool! Wish I’d done that to you.” Vyvyan said with a smirk. Rick mouthed an ‘Oh’ and went back to looking at the floor. The wet cotton ball was removed and a plaster was stuck to the side of his face. Vyvyan looked Rick up and down and smirked triumphantly at his work and threw the medical kit on the floor. Rick blushed and smiled weakly, wincing only slightly. They looked at each other for a very long period of time. This had become a regular occurrence now. At least once a day rick and Vyvyan would stare into each other’s eyes before one of them would run off. Rick was about to say ‘thank you’ but as soon as he opened his mouth Vyvyan was invading it. It wasn’t a forceful kiss, it was passionate and gentle. It was the kind of kiss that offered safety. As soon as the kiss started it ended. Rick looked into Vyvyan’s eyes with wide eyes and was about to say something to him when Vyvyan pulled him into his chest and whispered. “It's okay.” With a small smile from Vyvyan he let go and Rick walked to his room. He didn’t care about the door, _more like hole in the wall,_ and sat on his bed.

_Did Vyvyan say it’s okay? What did that mean? Did he mean that it’s okay that he fixed his head up? Was he referring to the dress? And what was up with the kiss!? Was it just Vyvyan proving a point that I am poofy? Did he want it? Why was he speaking so softly? Don’t get me wrong it was nice because of how much my head is killing me, but that’s not the point! If he knows why is he being nice?!_

Rick thought like this until he fell asleep. To be honest Vyvyan being quiet and helpful scared Rick more than Vyvyan being loud and beating him up. Vyvyan finally had something on him… and this was dangerous territory for a man like Rick.


	5. No Fun Part 3 - Vyvyan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Vyvyan's point of view of No Fun parts 1 and 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School has started up again so updates will not be as frequent, sorry guys.

Vyvyan didn’t sleep very well after trying to take Ricks pillow. All he could think of were the younger mans eyes staring back into his. He saw in those eyes a reflection of himself as the punk he was… violent. Rick was scared of him. Yes Vyvyan did have violent tendencies he was a bloke after all and a punk, he had to be at least a little violent – survival of the fittest and all. But for some reason seeing those blue eyes look at him with more terror than the younger man would admit hurt Vyvyan. Now Vyvyan has known for a while that he is Bisexual. He figured it out in his last year of high school when one of his friends kissed him for shits and giggles, but Vyvyan felt as if a curtain had been lifted that day. He had never been with a man but he had made out with a few at parties. But those blue eyes had been haunting his thoughts since the encounter in the hall.

It then dawned on Vyvyan that Rick wasn’t so bad to be around. Yes he had that annoying girlish voice – _ha! Matches the smell on his pillow!_ Vyvyan thought. That reminded Vyvyan… Ricks pillow smelt like some flowery perfume some of the girls in his course wore. _Was Rick seeing a girl? No he couldn’t be! This is Rick! He’s probably bought some so when he plays with little Rick he can get off!_ Vyvyan shook his head and chuckled slightly. Those blue eyes popped into his head again and he sighed. His mind drifted and he fell asleep finally.

_Blue on blue…_

_Skin on skin…_

_Tobacco and alcohol scented breath…_

_A giggle sounds in the air and its Ricks…_

_The giggles turn to sobs and begging sadly…_

_Vyvyan turns his head to see rick crying on the floor…_

_He tries to reach from the bed…_

Vyvyan fell out of his bed suddenly, a large bang sounding through the house and he heard Rick next door say ‘Please’. Vyvyan heard Rick next door rustling clothes very quickly and sniffing. The older man sighed and picked himself up from the floor. He changed his t-shirt from a plain white one to a Sex Pistols one and turned to his mirror. He delicately ran gel through his hair as he gave himself a trihawk and once he was done he slammed his door open and walked down the stairs.

 

Vyvyan grinned as he saw breakfast on the table, ready for the taking. “Morning Vyv.” Neil said as he dished up the last of the breakfast. _Neil would make a good house wife someday._ Vyvyan thought as he nodded, acknowledging that he heard him. Mike was next to come down. “Good morning all.” He said as he resumed his usual spot at the head of the table and started reading the days newspaper.

Rick came down for breakfast and Vyvyan could tell that he was upset as he didn’t greet everyone in his usual annoying way. Rick sat down next to Vyvyan and began to eat. Vyvyan could see that whatever had made Rick upset had affected his appetite as he pushed the bowl forward and placed his face in his hands, rubbing it a little. “Are you alright Rick?” Mike asked not looking up from his paper. Vyvyan watched as Rick pulled his hands away from his face and put on a huge fake grin. Vyvyan furrowed his brow discreetly. Rick snorted and said, “Yes I’m alright, it’s just Neil’s lentils get worse evewyday! How am I meant to eat something that is so solid and sticky it sticks halfway down your throat!” he snorted again. Vyvyan smirked slightly. Neil was about to protest when Vyvyan decided to save Rick. “He’s got a point Neil. Last year this was somewhat edible and now it looks like it wants to eat us!” he stated, sliding his breakfast forward. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say that you’ve been feeding us the same lentils for two years and all you’ve been doing is topping up the bowl!” Rick said with a slight laugh and Vyvyan joined in. “Well maybe that’s because I have. I do all the work in this house and does anyone every appreciate it? No. It’s always Neil do this, Neil do that and do I get a thank you? No I don’t –“

“Neil do us all a favour…” Vyvyan started. “Oh what is it now?” Neil said sarcastically. At the same time Rick and Vyvyan said, “Kill yourself.” Vyvyan furrowed his brow at Rick. “Good Rick, it looks like you’re learning.” Vyvyan said, trying to make it less awkward, before standing up. Vyvyan walked over to Neil and broke his chair over Neil’s head before going into the lounge to watch ‘Bastard Squad.’

Mike put down his paper and looked at Rick, “I wouldn’t learn too much from Vyvyan if I were you, I mean just look at him. You wouldn’t want to become that.” Vyvyan heard Mike and thought _, well thank you very much._ Vyvyan raised his hand and flicked mike the V’s before going back to watching television.

 

Not long after Vyvyan had started his second episode of ‘Bastard Squad’ Rick joined Vyvyan. Mike had gone to his room and Neil had gone to the shops. Vyvyan and Rick sat in a comfortable silence until Vyvyan decided he was going to discuss this morning with Rick. He shifted slightly and his shoulder nudged Ricks. Rick tensed slightly and his cheeks became slightly heated as he kept his gaze away from Vyvyan. Vyvyan turned his gaze to look at Rick and asked, “Who were you talking to this morning? I could swear I heard you talking.” Rick let out a forced laugh. “You must have been imagining things. Either that or I was talking in my sleep.” Vyvyan nodded and turned back to the television. “Vyvyan… where’s your nose ring?” Rick asked curiously. The older boy panicked slightly _bollocks I forgot to but it back on after I finished my class!_ “I struggled sleeping so I took it out so that I could sleep on my face.” Rick said a quiet, “oh.” Vyvyan relaxed. Throughout the day the boys watched television and when the BBC ended at three o’clock for a couple of hours, they got into small mindless fights where Vyvyan would beat up Rick and Rick wouldn’t put up much of a fight.

 

Vyvyan decided to go upstairs and he wondered into ricks room. he had been so nice to the bastard today that he needed to get back at him. _If I cut another couple of his singlets and shirts… that should suffice._ Vyvyan looked down at the draw. _Since when did this have a lock on it?_ Thinking something of some value could be in there Vyvyan broke the lock and opened the draw. Inside was a tube of lipstick. Vyvyan frowned and picked it up, inspecting it. _Maybe someone dropped it and Rick picked it up?_ He shrugged and placed It on top of the draws and went to the wardrobe. When he opened it he grinned and tried to find the nicest ones. A piece of blue fabric caught Vyvyans eye as he pushed all of the other clothes aside. He picked it up and felt it in his hands, inspected every piece of it. It looked too big to be a girl’s. _Looks like it could fit Rick!_ He laughed but soon his laughs slowed and he realised that this could be Ricks… He sat on the bed and seriously thought. _His pillow smells like girl… he has lipstick and dresses… some of his mannerisms are girly…_ Vyvyans eyes widened. _Was Rick a girl pretending to be a guy? Or was there something else? Wait why was he upset this morning?_ “Vyvyan…” Rick appeared in the doorway. “What are you doing in here?” Vyvyan raised his eyes meeting Ricks. “Why were you crying this morning? And don’t say that I imagined it because I know I heard you.” Vyvyan said very seriously. Vyvyan wore a blank expression on his face. He didn’t really understand what was going on. Why do you even care?”  Rick said with a look that said ‘I’m waiting’. Vyvyan shrugged. “I was just curious that’s all. I couldn’t care less what’s going on in that girly mind of yours!” He said. Vyvyan regretted the words as they came out of his mouth and he saw that Rick didn’t appreciate them either.  “Well it was just a bad dream okay? Now will you please leave?” Rick said rather quickly. Vyvyan stood and made his way to his own room. Rick jumped into the room before the door was slammed.

“ **WHAT DO YOU WANT**?!” Vyvyan said loudly. Rick jumped. “I came to apologise for the tone of voice I used. Sorry.” Vyvyan let out a quiet sigh and when Rick was about to leave Vyvyan put his arm out and stopped him. Vyvyan placed both hands on either side of Rick’s face, holding him still. Vyvyan looked into those blue eyes again, much like he did yesterday on the staircase and felt the younger man shiver. Vyvyan growled slightly and let Rick go. The self proclaimed anarchist ran quickly out of his room.

 

Vyvyan laid on his bed and tried to process what happened today. _Rick has girly things… alright._ He let out a sigh. _Rick has nice eyes…_ another sigh. _I may have slight feelings for the poof._ His breath stopped and he nodded slightly. Vyvyan was quiet and he listened to hear what Rick was doing. He heard fast breathing… _that’s not right._ Vyvyan sat up concerned. He knew Rick wouldn’t be playing with little Rick as he did that in the bathroom. He heard Rick rushing about and putting things away. _I left the dress out… shit._  Vyvyan shot up off the bed and knocked on the door. “ **RICK!?”** Vyvyan was smashing his fist against the door now. Mike and Neil’s soon came out of their rooms to see what was going on. “I think Rick is having a panic attack.” Vyvyan said as he started to bang louder. Neil and Mike looked at each other and started banging as well. Vyvyan took a couple of steps back and ran at the door, creating a gap that the men could reach through to rip the wood from the door. There was a snapping sound and they were in. Vyvyan pressed his head against Rick’s chest, he was breathing fine and his heart was beating. _That’s good._ He let out a sigh of relief and then he realised that Neil and Mike were in the room. “Is he alright Vyv?” Mike asked concerned. Vyvyan nodded. “I think we should take him downstairs though… more fresh air down there.” Neil and Mike nodded as Vyvyan picked Rick up and headed downstairs. While walking he noticed a patch of blood on Rick’s head. _I’ll fix that later…_

He placed Rick on the couchand started to examine the rest of him. It was just his head with an injury. He ran a hand along Rick’s cheek and Ricks eyes opened quickly. Vyvyan jumped back. “Rick!” Neil said. “Are you alright Rick?” Mike said concerned. Rick frowned a little, _I’ll definitely look at that head injury,_ Vyvyan thought. Rick nodded. “What happened Rick?” Neil asked. “Umm…. Well, you see… I thought I lost my favourite Cliff Richard LP and started to panic. I must have had a panic attack!” Rick said laughing weakly. Neil and Mike nodded while Vyvyan just stared at Rick knowing that wasn’t the truth. “Well it’s a good thing Vyvyan heard you freaking out.” Mike stated as he patted Rick on the back and walked to the kitchen. Neil nodded as Mike walked away and followed him.

Vyvyan was thinking of something to say when Rick stood up. “Well thank you Vyvyan, I should really be getting to bed now. Nighty night.” Vyvyan stopped him from moving by putting a hand on his shoulder. Vyvyan started pushing Rick up the stairs and pushed him inside his room. Panic was clear on Ricks face and Vyvyan noticed this. “Calm down snotface.” He spoke clearly and firm. Vyvyan found his medical kit and walked over to Rick. “Hold still.” Vyvyan said emotionlessly. Vyvyan took out a cotton ball, dipped it in some antiseptic and pressed to Rick’s head. He saw the younger man wince. “You hit your head as you fell, split the skin open, it looks pretty cool! Wish I’d done that to you.” Vyvyan said with a smirk. Rick mouthed an ‘Oh’. Vyvyan threw out the wet cotton ball and placed a plaster over the wound. Vyvyan looked Rick up and down and smirked triumphantly at his work and threw the medical kit on the floor. They looked at each other for a very long period of time. Rick looked as if he was going to say something but as soon as he opened his mouth Vyvyan took the opportunity in a spare of the moment type thing and invaded Rick’s mouth. It wasn’t a forceful kiss, it was passionate and gentle. It was the kind of kiss that offered safety. As soon as the kiss started it ended. Vyvyan pulled him into his chest and whispered, “it's okay,” with a small smile. He didn’t know what he was referring to but he had a feeling Rick needed to hear those words. He let go and Rick walked to his room. Vyvyan stood still, his actions finally catching up with him. _Bollocks, this is going to make things difficult._


	6. Substitute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vyvyan goes to a lecture and comes home only to have Rick see his college self.

Vyvyan didn’t sleep very well that night. All he could think about were those bright, confused eyes, the dress, and the makeup. But the one thing that really got Vyvyan thinking was the smell. The flowery scent of Rick that Vyvyan had only just noticed. It smelt girly yes, but the flowers mixed with a scent that can only be classed as Rick somehow made the older man smile. He would be in a state of thinking or confusion when suddenly the corner of his mouth would tug gently and he would let out a content sigh. He would always shake his head but he would never try to wipe the smile off his face as it was one of the first true smiles he had had in weeks. The thought that made his smile go away however was the thought of class. The thought of having to become something he isn’t just so that he can have a future in a profession he loves. It did however help that none of the house hold were going to be home when he got back, so he could mope around and be unhappy for a bit.

He slowly slid off the bed put on a white t-shirt, his blue jeans rolled up above his doctor martens and his denim jacket. He walked across the hall, ignoring Rick’s room, and barged in on Neil on the toilet. “Hey Vyv, you know you should really knock first right, because I’m kinda on the toilet.” Vyvyan was in no mood to talk so instead he flicked Neil the V’s and quickly gelled his hair into the trihawk. _It doesn’t look great but it isn’t staying up for long._ He exited the bathroom and headed straight for the front door. He just wanted to get his classes over and done with as soon as possible.

 

When he arrived at the college he went to the bathroom to flatten his hair, roll down his trousers, remove his nose piercing and hide his jacket. This time however he had brought a bag with him so that no one would find his jacket in the end stall. He exited the school bathroom and went to the lecture hall. He sat next to the girl he usually sits next to and across the room he could see that little rat from last time who found his jacket. He glared at the boy until he looked away. She let out a sigh and listened to the lecturer.

 

When the lecture was over, Vyvyan couldn’t really be bothered redoing his appearance and no one was going to be home so he just left the college. He entered the house and closed the door quietly. All of a sudden there were footsteps coming down the stairs. “Vyvyan is that you? I wish to talk about-“Rick stopped dead in his tracks as his eyes landed on Vyvyan. Vyvyan’s eyes opened a few millimetres more than they should as he dropped his bag and froze. _Shit. Rick  had seen me. He’s staring me in the face._ “Rick…… Hello.” Vyvyan said; his voice small. Rick opened and closed his mouth numerous times before he spoke. “Vyvyan why…” and Rick gestured to Vyvyan’s appearance. Vyvyan couldn’t take his eyes away from Ricks. He saw confusion but a little bit of understanding? “I, umm….” Vyvyan was panicking. His usual violent yet calm demeanour was deteriorating by the second and he felt his eyes getting moist. Rick noticed and stepped forward. He raised his hand and held it out to Vyvyan. “Vyv-Vyvyan?” he asked as he now stood directly in front of the older man, swallowing deeply. Rick placed his hand on Vyvyan’s bicep and gave it a gentle squeeze. Vyvyan was trying to calm himself. But as soon as he smelt Rick, that flowery smell, he smiled slightly with his eyes closed. To Vyvyan the smell was calming. Ricks mouth twitched into a smile as he saw the other man smile. Rick pushed Vyvyan slightly to sit down on the couch. Vyvyan opened his eyes and sat down. He bowed his head and kept quiet. Rick hesitated for a bit but he knelt down in front of Vyvyan. “Vyvyan… why are you…” Rick tried to find the words to describe what he was currently looking at. “Dressed… well, like an average Joe?” Vyvyan frowned and his eyebrows furrowed. He turned his head to the side and ran his hand through his hair. As he brushed it back his studs were visible and that relaxed Rick a little. Rick waited; he wasn’t going to push Vyvyan. “It’s… hard to- you wouldn’t-“Vyvyan struggled finding the words. Rick gave Vyvyan a reassuring smile. “You try being a punk in a medical class… they wouldn’t take you seriously, and that’s if they’d let you in at all.” Vyvyan said quietly. Rick nodded, understanding completely. “You have to be something you’re not so that you can fit in.” Vyvyan then widened his eyes slightly. _The dress… Rick dresses as a man to fit in?_ “…And that’s why you don’t wear the dress in public…” Vyvyan said out loud. Rick was taken back. He opened his mouth but decided to nod. They had an understanding. Both men were quiet as the absorbed the new information. They both went to speak at the same time and chuckled lightly. Vyvyan let Rick speak. “I won’t tell the guys… even if I did they’d just think I’m potty!” Vyvyan smiled. “I won’t tell either.” They both smiled in mutual understanding and decided to watch some bastard squad.

But as Neil and Mike were out, Vyvyan suggested that Rick go put on one of his dresses. With much hesitance and arguing, name calling and about three fist fights Rick reluctantly agreed. When he came down the stairs to watch television, He didn’t make eye contact with Vyvyan. Vyvyan smiled as he saw Rick. She looked pretty. She was in a cream coloured dress that reached her knees and she was wearing that plum lipstick she’s so fond of. “You look very nice Rick, so nice in fact that I’d like to give you a big girly kiss on the bottom.” Rick quickly raised her head to scowl at Vyvyan but smiled when she saw the older man grinning at her. Rick sat on the couch next to Vyvyan and looked at him for a little bit, taking in Vyvyan’s non punk appearance. Vyvyan looked at Rick from the corner of his eye and smiled to himself. “It isn’t fair you know… letting me be me, and you having to be something you’re not.” Rick said as she folded her arms. Vyvyan smiled softly, “It is fair because you’ve been doing it for years. For once you be yourself and I’ll be something I’m not.” Rick was about to protest but Vyvyan placed his arm around Ricks shoulders, which shut up the younger.

When they had successfully watched the whole first season of bastard squad, again, Rick decided it was time for Vyvyan to get changed into his normal self as Neil would be back soon. Rick could just hide in her room where as Vyvyan basically lived in the lounge. She turned to face Vyvyan and ran her hands through Vyvyan’s hair, which was still slightly sticky from this morning’s gel. She tried her best to make it look like Vyvyan’s normal trihawk but the right side was slightly bigger than the left and she huffed out. Vyvyan just smirked as Rick then went to roll up Vyvyan’s jeans. The older man kept moving his legs out of the way so that Rick would give him a look and say, “just stay still young man!” to which Vyvyan would reply, “make me.” This went on for about ten minutes before Rick sat on Vyvyan’s lap to try and stop him but it didn’t work. Rick ended up being bounced on Vyvyan’s knee like a young child. Vyvyan smirked at Rick and stopped bouncing his leg. He was about to start again when Rick kissed him, stopping the older breathing as well as moving. Rick smiled triumphantly before finishing with Vyvyan’s trousers and reaching for Vyvyan’s jacket. He placed it on the couch so that Vyvyan could put it on when he moved. Rick was about to get off of Vyvyan when the older man’s arm tightened slightly. “Our secret yeah?” Vyvyan asked. Rick nodded with a smile. “Yeah”


	7. I'm Not You're Stepping Stone

_“Our Secret Yeah?”_

_Those lips. Pink lips on pale skin. The delicate caress of soft lips against slightly chapped ones. Teasing body movements, teasing tones. Acceptance….._ Acceptance.

 

Rick woke up with a furrowed brow and looked to his left. Beside him was none other than the punk from Ricks dream. He took in the features of the older as he slept. His soft, ginger hair fell in front of his face as he stirred slightly. _He must have had a shower before coming in here?_

During the night when Neil and Mike had gone to bed Rick was still awake. He was nearly asleep until there was a knock on his newly installed door. It was quiet so he assumed it was Neil and he started to drift again when the knocked sounded again. Cautiously Rick walked to it and pressed his ear against the door listening for anything unusual. The knock sounded on more time and rick slowly opened the door. Rick was surprised to see Vyvyan standing before him. He was about to say something when the punk slowly walked past Rick and sat on the bed. Rick placed his hands on his hips but he could see that Vyvyan obviously hadn’t slept well for a while. There were no words exchanged, Rick sighed and closed the door. He walked over to the bed and pulled back the covers and gestured with his head for Vyvyan to get in. Vyvyan didn’t make a noise as he slowly slid into the bed as he released a long breath. Rick smiled softly to himself and slid next to Vyvyan. His thoughts soon caught up with him though as his eyes widened slightly. Vyvyan noticed Ricks panic and turned to face him. “Our secret yeah?” Vyvyan asked quietly. _That’s what he said earlier._ Rick thought to himself. He nodded however and felt the punk pull him into his chest. Rick tensed slightly. _What if Mike or Neil walked in and saw? What would they say? Vyvyan would probably beat them up!_ Rick did snort happily at this however. Vyvyan raised an eyebrow and rubbed his thumb in soothing circles on Ricks arm. That’s how they fell asleep. In one another’s arms and Rick listening to Vyvyan’s heartbeat.

 

Now Rick was awake staring at the human being other than himself that was in his bed. He felt the need to brush the hair out of Vyvyan’s face but as he started to reach his arm out he stopped himself. _How did it come to this?_ He asked himself. _We kiss a couple of times and now we share a bed?_ He was still staring at the older. Vyvyan stirred and mumbled something incoherent. Rick looked Vyvyan up and down and saw that the punk was slightly pudgy, unlike Rick who was very much a stick. This made rick giggle quietly and he poked Vyvyan’s stomach lightly watching as it sank in slightly. This woke Vyvyan up. “What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing ploppy pants?” Vyvyan asked as he grabbed the self proclaimed anarchist’s wrist before he could move it away. Rick tried to think of an answer, stuttering as he tried multiple excuses. But as he blabbered on he could see Vyvyan smiling softly. Rick sighed and sunk deeper into the bed. Vyvyan was still holding his arm. Rick was looking into Vyvyan’s bright blue orbs and opened his mouth and closed it a few times before asking, “Vyvyan why did you come here?” Vyvyan paused for a bit. “I couldn’t sleep so I thought id torment you snotface, but after sitting on your bed I felt sleep pulling me further away.” Rick nodded. He didn’t believe him one hundred percent but he wasn’t going to push it.

They stayed like that for a while. The house was abnormally quiet for some reason. Rick turned his neck as far as he could in this position to look at the clock. _12:07p.m._ the other house mates were at a lecture. Rick turned back around to Vyvyan. He had so many questions that he wanted to be answered and he didn’t know if he wanted an answer. _Why did you accept me so fast? Why did you kiss me? Why did I kiss you? Did you want it? Did I? …Of course I did._ The realisation hit Rick like a ton of bricks. He had a crush on the punk. He inwardly cursed as he tried to put some distance between himself and Vyvyan. Vyvyan was too sleepy to notice. He was already half asleep when he felt the bed shift. Vyvyan opened his eyes to find Rick standing up. “Where are you going prick?” Rick turned to face Vyvyan and had a deep scowl on his face. “What game are you playing at Vyvyan?! How do we… go from you beating me up to… to this! What is this?!” he said rather loudly gesturing between him and Vyvyan. Vyvyan was taken back as he sat up rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Rick I have no idea what you mean! What are you going on about?!” Vyvyan was fighting aggression with aggression. But he knew what rick was on about. He just wanted to hear the younger tell him. Rick was just about ready to throw and punch as Vyvyan stood but he felt his feet moving beneath him as he approached Vyvyan and placed a wide, open mouthed kiss on the olders lips. Ricks thoughts were buzzing as he moved his mouth. There was confusion but want and passion at the same time. Vyvyan however was completely surprised by the younger mans lips. He relaxed quickly though as he fought for dominance. It ended far too quickly though. After Rick had taken a few breaths he spoke. “I’m going on about that!” Vyvyan scrunched his face up slightly as he thought about what to say. “What do you want me to say?” he spoke quietly. “Because, I have no idea myself alright?” Vyvyan’s voice was so soft. Rick nodded. “I think it best that you get out Vyvyan, I need time to process my thoughts.” Vyvyan was about to protest but the look on ricks face wasn’t one to argue with. His mouth became a straight line as he opened the door and slammed it on his way out. Rick brushed his hand over his cheek. He was crying. Rick shook his head as the tears started to flow quietly.


End file.
